Missing (October 19, 2011)

I miss

your words being caresses

gliding on my skin with your tongue right behind them.

They didn't hurt.

They healed

and that was why I loved you

the boy who wrote me poetry.

I miss

that bliss.

Truly.

It's been too long

since I have felt peace

and the only time I felt it

was in you.

In all your torment

I somehow found it there.

I miss

feeling like maybe

there was something in me

that someone

could see

that they could adore

and that they would protect

curling me up into them

because they saw me

as worth

saving.

Instant (October 20, 2011)

We talk
and talk
and talk
clicking away at night
like crickets on a warm hearth
the heat of the words rises up around me
and I tap tap back.
I see your face
in my mind
on plastic metal glass
and I’ve tried to touch you
but I imagine you’re softer than that.
At least
I hope you are human too.

Twins (October 26th, 2011)

I'm sorry to ask

but do you have panic attacks?

Do you worry yourself to bits?

No, please

don't walk away.

I know it's invasive

and I wouldn't ask but

you get it.

I think we might be the same.

True Twins,

because I think you're as lost as me.

Please excuse me for saying so.

If we could talk for a minute

without a joke or a jump

we could maybe just use each other

as a soundboard.

You're far away,

in bed with me.

Close my eyes and hear your voice

through a tunnel.

You sound like me.

And if I'm right

(and I've got a hunch)

you're sorely afraid of what you could do

if you stayed in your head

Breathe

trust me.

Let me go down the list

of your heart and blood.

Let me run my hand over yours

and whisper what I feel.

First is love conquering all, yes?

Then denial, wreckage. Shh, it's okay.

Third, you are bitter about the one that threw you away.

Now I'm scattering kisses over your two masks

knowing that you don't know which is your face.

Fifth, I feel your scars from pulling free.

My fingers stutter over ambition.

Then I felt the lies you spun for love

the sweat you spent in vain.

Quiet, now, while I heal the cuts

of the realization of futility.

Ninth, the knots of impatience in your knuckles.

The skin is dry with the rub of the chains

holding you to those words around you.

And finally, the eleventh wound,

an old one you keep reopening.

I feel you still waiting.

Don't turn away

Twins, like you and me,

stick together

because only we know what it's like.

Dream (September 30, 2011)

Why are you floating around me?
If I tried to push you
would it even move you?
They say file this away.
Believe me I've been trying.
You just keep escaping.

And if I let out a breath
would you arch back to feel it?
If I parted my lips
would you fall right back or steal you a kiss?

Kiss me, you never kissed me
only youthful tension
never had a reason.
Could you, could you take me
if there was no story?
No blood without the glory.
You, oh, you infected me.
You always loved the tease.
You twisted me in knots.
I never learned to stop.

Years passed without a slip.
Didn't feel a hunger
never even wondered.
Crept back under your nose
I never grabbed a bottle
Are you even hollow?

So if I turned back to you
my skin uninvited
your face under me.
Would you take my mouth before I could scream?

Take me, I'd let you take me.
I could take your anger
I don't mind the danger.
Trust me, you couldn't trust me.
I can almost taste it
doubt that I would regret.
You, oh, you started every storm.
You locked away my warmth.
Now I'm an alien
you're taunting me again.

Delayed (September 15, 2011)

What’s it feel like to know that you don’t have nearly enough time to fall in love as hard as you think you will? How does it feel when you wish you could feel his lips on yours now, instead of waiting as you know you must? What’s it like to know that when you finally reach heaven, finally cross all the bridges, that you only have one summer to be young and foolish together?

It feels like this. Sweet and warm like sun tea, salty and deep like sweat, sour like lemons squeezed into a glass and bitter like coffee on the burner too long. The constant fear of boredom and sanity looms over you, but you’re far too crazy to notice.

You begin to crave shorts hanging low on your hips and shades covering your eyes, even though you’ve only just begun to dig out your jeans again. What was once your favourite season is another obstacle on the trail toward bliss.

Every conversation is a charge at a glass door, wanting it to shatter so badly. Every word, every wait for a response is a risk because you don’t know if he’s going to be a man of his word…or simply just move on and treat it like a lost cause.

The mystery is the magic.

Bring me back the summer, bring me back the sunscreen and sandals strapped up my ankles. Let me unbutton his shirts just past the collarbone and linger in his arms, although it is far too hot for contact.

Let time speed up for me, just this once.

Villains In Your Words (September 6,2011)

Your best friend is your right hand,
Tapping out those things that you say silently,
Spraying out your misery.
Liars never shut their mouths.
That's what I see coming from your eyes.
That makes this goodbye.

Who's gonna clean up all your messes?
If I don't hold your hand?
I never felt so cruel, as when I first made your excuse.
It was a silly thing, for me to explain it.
I haven't slept in weeks
Cause you'll be in my dreams.
Is it too much to say that you'll always need me?
I was your silver tongue,
Placating everyone.

End of summer means end of you.
You will spill out villains in your words
And will be left unheard.
No one's left to clap your shoulder.
No one knows you're still here
And that's your greatest fear.



Who's gonna clean up all your messes?
If I don't hold your hand?
I never felt so cruel, as when I first made your excuse.
It was a silly thing, for me to explain it.
I haven't slept in weeks
Cause you'll be in my dreams.
Is it too much to say that you'll always need me?
I was your silver tongue,
Placating everyone.

Two Seasons (August 9, 2010)

I’ve been spending too much time chasing ghosts
Without looking out the window.
It’s getting to be far too late to clear my head.
I have too many things to tell you.

But even now I try to keep my feet in place.
The days grow cold for winter.
Your bitter heart would smile to see the damages
From wooden-hearted splinters.

The snakes can crawl down my throat tonight,
Reminds me of a nightmare.
My crooked heart loves to find you etched in stone
Because fabric won’t fight a tear.

I’ve had a problem with the birds before
But I’ve had to fight them.
If another vulture comes to circle me
I might use you to frighten.

I think you’ve always been a mirror
Buried too deep to notice.
Hang up your ears and unplug your eyes
So I can read your motives.

I’ll pretend that I never loved you
Open arms made accidently
If another comes by to fill my place
I hope you never find it easy.

Green Eyes (August 30, 2011)

Green eyes, care to show me what those hide?
What scars, what stories, what lurks behind.
Mind reading’s easy, I do it all the time.
Body reading even easier, I see how you respond to mine.
But your soul, your dirty, fragmented, charming soul
That remains a mystery no matter how long I stare.
Funny to think I just met you, and here I am
Watching the waves crash emerald and linger on me
Watching you tilt your head and see chestnut curtain obscure your face
Testing me, testing if I can take the absence of your eyes
I push your hair back, giving in, and you smile
You smile as I gaze into the deepest of greens.

Untitled (August 23, 2011)

And the music speaks to me
and it says “you will exist beyond this”
and I want to believe.
You are far away, miles and wires from me, and it would be so easy to ignore it all.
There is always that voice though
that tiny chirp of “he’s gonna lose his mind”
and it’ll be all my fault.
I am shuddering, bathed in light, in a room where I am not alone
and I cannot shake myself like I need.
I am not living louder or stronger
I am wasting into dust.
Brevity is the soul of wit and I am going on and on and on and on and-
until someone tells me to shut up and I subside.
Silence.
Silence says “stupid stupid stupid girl to think you meant the world.”
And now we are strangers.
And you become what you hate
….no, you just hated it because I did. Because it got you close and cornered me.
And as I sit, scarlet blushes on my face, afraid of saying a thing
knowing that she’ll get where I was sooner than later
knowing that it didn’t amount to the cost of what I gave for you
(I thought it was because of love.)
So I stay here
and you may never speak to me again
hating me for sticking to something
instead of sliding down into the gutters
where the rats and girls left behind can crawl all over you
and I can sit in a porcelain coffin
and hope someone dares to break it down.

Camden to Tremont (August 1, 2011)

Footsteps carefully creeping up behind
Fade into the wall; they cannot be seen.
As the room spins into pleasant fog
A tap on the shoulder is faint.

The hours turn with large brass hands
With a tick tock too soft to hear.
Twinkling stars through the city lights
Shine out; but hard to see.

The odometer zooms higher and the clock
On the dashboard seems fixed at late.
Winds whip, lips slip, and doors swing shut
But hands do not unclasp.

Uncommon collections of kids with souls
Filled with the effervescence of the evening.
They never feel a stronger tie to life
Than now; when asphalt's calling.