Come Join Us (July 18, 2011)

Dance. Dance. Dance.

The oldest, purest form of escape.

Thrashing around, be it sensual or silly, is something hard to fake.

Dusty disco balls barely provide any light, but that’s just how I like it. Fill the club with shoegazy beats, leave a haze over everything. It leaves the atmosphere fuzzy, easy to get lost in…and if you are paying attention, the way the lights cut through is twice as beautiful.

So dance, dance, dance all you kids dressed in black. Dance until your raccoon eyes run and your Chuck Taylors are all beat up from the dirt floor. Strip off your wristbands and use them to wipe your brow.

Catch my bedroom eyes, boys, under my bangs as I pull a belt loop of your skinny jeans. I don’t know a thing about this scene. My vision’s blurry from the strobe lights caked in grime. The dusty air and fragmented lights have been transmitted to my eyes. Can’t see a damn thing except the blood on my hands from when I tripped over a stereo and scraped up my palms. Keep it dirty, keep the lights low. I don’t see myself cleaning up tonight.

The room is dingy and full of kids who all look the same. Someone punches me, bloodying my lip, cause she thinks I’m her ex-girlfriend. I wave off her apologies and blot my face with my shirt. A red lip print stains the grey fabric. Behind us, a boy collapses. When people try to pull him up, he curses loudly.

It’s grey as death in here. My heart’s broken. So’s the one in the girl who hit me. The boy who fell is really fucking tired. The DJ has cancer. The girl who just walked in is an orphan and her boyfriend’s trying to kick alcoholism.

We all have icy, clear vultures.

So we dance and break our toes in this dusty room, pushing into each other so the birds are drowned out and invisible. If we flicked the brights back on, we’d see each other too clearly. Here, we are all the same.

Dance dance, stamp out the disease. Clasp hands and stop worrying, if only because you can’t keep thinking. You can’t concentrate through the muggy air fogging up your mind. I grab that boy again, spin him around till his lips crush ine. He brushes what looks like asbestos from my hair and goes on kissing me. My split lip throbs relentlessly. Around us, people dance in the sweaty room.

It’s an angry kiss, but when it ends I’m just as empty…still searching for that perfect electric rush. I might not find it in this gauzy, deep dungeon but I sure as hell won’t find it aboveground. Something about this place with black eyed kids with inkspots on their skin hits home. Home is where the heart is, as the cliche goes, and my heart is battered and lonesome.

The boy bites my neck then dances a little closer. Time and time again we’ll collide, but not yet. Later perhaps, but right now we’re far too unfocused. It’s a dreamy sort of feeling, feeling a ghost lift slowly out of you. You’re left soulless and…completely free.

Dance, dance, dance, dance, let your hedonism out at last. It’s a lusty, heady night. I pull the boy’s sinful mouth back to mind and breathe him in. I exhale dust.

Strong (July 11, 2011)

I carried the combined weakness of two
I fought through the flurries of snow.
Month after month I walked o'er the earth.
Only for you.

There were days I spent sprawled in the streets
Trying to locate a reason to linger.
I spent all my time struggling on the ground
Only for you.

It happens all the time!
A silly girl thinks someone's worth
The time it takes to start a fire
She'll realize that no one will hold
Long enough to hold her higher.
He might mean everything he said to me
But I'm not playing this game only for you.

Dreams wrapped deep I left unreached
Why pull out pieces of what ifs?
I would have wandered for weeks in the cold
Only for you.

Soft sighs across your mouth I tasted
I'll always miss the mindless kissing.
I'd have loved you longer than the last winter.
Only for you.

It happens all the time!
A silly girl thinks someone's worth
The time it takes to start a fire
She'll realize that no one will hold
Long enough to hold her higher.
He might mean everything he said to me
But I'm not playing this game only for you

We Knew It'd Happen Eventually (June 5, 2011)

What do you mean?
Explain, please

Kind of you to change your mind,
Now I've taught myself to ignore my heart
Effectively, you've killed my progress
While I fell out of love with you.

I would love to know what you mean
Tell me how it would be different
Disappoint me as always

Hearts aren't meant to change so quickly
Ask why I might say no
Pretend you love me
Pretend you don't
Endearments, breathed softly, are an insult
Naivety is gone.

Enchantment is gone; welcome to reality
View my reaction through a screen
End the conversation
Never learn the other side
Totally out of reasons to love you
Unless...
Ask me why I might say yes.
Learn why I could subject myself again
Leave now, before I admit
You may be my one and only.