Stop going to the root of disease
and don't treat the symptoms.
Cut it off like rotten branches
cut it off like we're growing old.
You don't have the time to be a doctor
Nor the inclination to care.
Let your feelings crush you.
Look in the mirror.
Chances are, you'll reflect a lot like me.
Buried in dust but still choking out.
Drowned in your mouth and thirsting again.
Blink and you'll miss me, so shut your eyes.
Your charity is unwelcome.
All I wanted was the love of the sun to dry the rain and dull the sharp beak of the dark side.
You give me nothing but a taste of heat and pull it away, showering any and every one else.
Take them if you want, I'm fine withering.
I don't want to be a trophy that you didn't want to display.
(Shove your fingers down my throat. You could kill me and I'd love you still, somewhere.)
I will never be your burden.
I'd rather be your used toy.
Tell me what I am?
June 24, 2011
June 23, 2011
For The Symphony Soldiers
Soldiers,
Lay down your weapons.
Your battle has ended and revel's begun.
Raise your glass high for we won the night.
Now no one will cross us again.
Comrades, we have the victory!
Each one of us fought like lions
And see the spoils we brought home!
Our war of words and wills is over.
Our war of words has been won.
At long last, we can all go to sleep.
Soldiers,
Lay down your weapons.
Your battle has ended and revel's begun.
Raise your glass high for we won the night.
Now no one will cross us again.
Hey, we can tear our posters down!
We got what we wanted all along,
We fought for them and drew blood!
I don't care if I'm spilling a cliche
I don't care if I'm spilling my heart
I am proud to have fought for a year.
Soldiers,
Lay down your weapons.
Your battle has ended and revel's begun.
Raise your glass high for we won the night.
Now no one will cross us again.
Soldiers,
Put up your hands
We are all sisters and brothers in the end.
We are all parts of scarred, tearful hearts
We are an army of our love.
Soldiers, sisters, brothers, friends
We won the day in the end.
Lay down your weapons.
Your battle has ended and revel's begun.
Raise your glass high for we won the night.
Now no one will cross us again.
Comrades, we have the victory!
Each one of us fought like lions
And see the spoils we brought home!
Our war of words and wills is over.
Our war of words has been won.
At long last, we can all go to sleep.
Soldiers,
Lay down your weapons.
Your battle has ended and revel's begun.
Raise your glass high for we won the night.
Now no one will cross us again.
Hey, we can tear our posters down!
We got what we wanted all along,
We fought for them and drew blood!
I don't care if I'm spilling a cliche
I don't care if I'm spilling my heart
I am proud to have fought for a year.
Soldiers,
Lay down your weapons.
Your battle has ended and revel's begun.
Raise your glass high for we won the night.
Now no one will cross us again.
Soldiers,
Put up your hands
We are all sisters and brothers in the end.
We are all parts of scarred, tearful hearts
We are an army of our love.
Soldiers, sisters, brothers, friends
We won the day in the end.
Dedicated to The Cab and all of their talented, creative, and determined fans.
June 20, 2011
Coffee makes me nostalgic (July 20, 2010)
I remember the days, fall and winter 2008 when I drank coffee every morning. Black, strong, and a little sugar.
I remember waking up on Monday mornings and going straight to the computer to watch TAITV in a half-awake haze.. I remember sitting with a cup of coffee when I sent my friend the first poem I ever felt was good enough to share. I remember the taste of coffee in my mouth as the nights got longer and the air grew cold.
I remember how back then I was fighting…I remember winning. I remember Halloween spent wondering what I did wrong. I remember lying in the dark, separate, overreacting and being proven correct. I remember the bitterness of coffee when I started to wonder.
I remember the buzz from too much coffee in the evenings. I remember getting Starbucks at every hour of the morning. I remember drinking coffee while I waited for a door to open. I remember rushes of adrenaline that had nothing to do with caffeine.
I remember some of the best times of my life. I remember caring too much and being a kid for one more season.
I remember waking up on Monday mornings and going straight to the computer to watch TAITV in a half-awake haze.. I remember sitting with a cup of coffee when I sent my friend the first poem I ever felt was good enough to share. I remember the taste of coffee in my mouth as the nights got longer and the air grew cold.
I remember how back then I was fighting…I remember winning. I remember Halloween spent wondering what I did wrong. I remember lying in the dark, separate, overreacting and being proven correct. I remember the bitterness of coffee when I started to wonder.
I remember the buzz from too much coffee in the evenings. I remember getting Starbucks at every hour of the morning. I remember drinking coffee while I waited for a door to open. I remember rushes of adrenaline that had nothing to do with caffeine.
I remember some of the best times of my life. I remember caring too much and being a kid for one more season.
Love like...winter or summer? (December 28, 2011)
My pale face glows in the mirror
and bright eyes peer from behind curtains
of chesnut; my body softens as the air gets
colder and the earth gets harder.
The sky falls swiftly and I catch its flaking skin on my tongue.
It melts like sugar
melts like you in my mouth.
But you are not winter.
You are summer meeting a higher degree
melting away in me.
Slowly and languidly pressing into autumn
lingering heat as your fingers trail.
Winter’s ice chills my heart
and you chip it away with the sun on my skin
and bright eyes peer from behind curtains
of chesnut; my body softens as the air gets
colder and the earth gets harder.
The sky falls swiftly and I catch its flaking skin on my tongue.
It melts like sugar
melts like you in my mouth.
But you are not winter.
You are summer meeting a higher degree
melting away in me.
Slowly and languidly pressing into autumn
lingering heat as your fingers trail.
Winter’s ice chills my heart
and you chip it away with the sun on my skin
I have the opposite of writer's block (April 6, 2011)
Should I write about how much I trusted you only to find out you lied?
Should I vent my frustration at your feelings of entitlement and irresponsibility?
Should I bottle every tear you’ve made me shed and write a poem with them as ink?
Should I write a song telling everyone I don’t remember what you look like?
Go ahead, pick whichever one will break your heart the worst. Pick one and read exactly how I feel. Swim at your own risk in the eulogies I could write about us.
I will not spare you. No censors will trickle down the page. I am not ashamed of the things I could put to verse. You should be. You should feel guilt and remorse for this and every poem hereafter.
Feel sorry, my love, for all the knives and pens, the brands and scars, the common hours and the unexpected places I will visit. Feel the ridicule and anger in every diseased, angsty word I channel in disdain. Feel the pain of everyone you were ready to damn as we melt song lyrics and mix them with ourselves.
Maybe then you will come to see through the eyes you painted over.
So go on, my lover, pick a theme. Choose your poison.
Arsenic for family. Formaldehyde for lies. Nightshade for me. Or perhaps you’d prefer a cyanide cocktail? A list of sins, encompassing everything in the book?
Come on baby, dig your grave.
Should I vent my frustration at your feelings of entitlement and irresponsibility?
Should I bottle every tear you’ve made me shed and write a poem with them as ink?
Should I write a song telling everyone I don’t remember what you look like?
Go ahead, pick whichever one will break your heart the worst. Pick one and read exactly how I feel. Swim at your own risk in the eulogies I could write about us.
I will not spare you. No censors will trickle down the page. I am not ashamed of the things I could put to verse. You should be. You should feel guilt and remorse for this and every poem hereafter.
Feel sorry, my love, for all the knives and pens, the brands and scars, the common hours and the unexpected places I will visit. Feel the ridicule and anger in every diseased, angsty word I channel in disdain. Feel the pain of everyone you were ready to damn as we melt song lyrics and mix them with ourselves.
Maybe then you will come to see through the eyes you painted over.
So go on, my lover, pick a theme. Choose your poison.
Arsenic for family. Formaldehyde for lies. Nightshade for me. Or perhaps you’d prefer a cyanide cocktail? A list of sins, encompassing everything in the book?
Come on baby, dig your grave.
sunshine on my shoulders (February 10, 2011)
You’re a storm. But you’re mine. I adore you for that.I’ve been thinking about this all morning. I am a hurricane, we both know that. So what are you? What is strong enough to stand against a storm? What will always welcome it back, even when all it is is destructive?
I’m sorry but thank you
You don’t have to be sorry! It’s a compliment I wouldn’t want you to be anything else.
if I’m a storm, what does that make you? One of the crazy guys who chase storms with large metal antenna around lightning?
hahah I suppose that’s for you to decide
Who are you? You are heat. You are strength in every sense of the word. You are the way the summer dries off the grass. You are the way the sun always warms the earth after the ice queen drips tears all over. You are the sun that the girls lie in for the perfect skin. You are what I tilt my head toward like a flower. You make me grow, reaching my hands out for you.
You are heat, sometimes almost too hot. You burn my skin and I stay out in you for hours regardless. The trail of your fingers over my skin leaves me sunkissed and pink, and it’s worth the burns afterwards. You are sun seeping through my skin. You are summer’s air, staying light past evening and staying dark only for a heartbeat every night. You are passion and bliss.
You are what heals the earth after the rain. You connect with the storms in a way that causes life instead of death, like creating poetry instead of ripped pages. You chase the clouds out of my sky and create a world worth living in; a world that can survive the downpour.
Untitled (June 12, 2011)
Take some comfort in knowing you are
articulate
bolder
classier
The ABCs of being less liked
the way to forming a hole in the wall for yourself
because you are the only one good enough.
You can’t stand their chittering and blathering
so you are quiet in response.
Their self-serving dramatic interludes taste bitter to you
so you stop swallowing your bile.
It’s a side effect of slinking up the ladder and being robbed of your youth at 13.
Do you feel the breeze lacing your breath?
Blow away
articulate
bolder
classier
The ABCs of being less liked
the way to forming a hole in the wall for yourself
because you are the only one good enough.
You can’t stand their chittering and blathering
so you are quiet in response.
Their self-serving dramatic interludes taste bitter to you
so you stop swallowing your bile.
It’s a side effect of slinking up the ladder and being robbed of your youth at 13.
Do you feel the breeze lacing your breath?
Blow away
Last Kiss (June 18, 2011)
I sure could use an amnesia pill. I don’t want to remember everything. The way you held my trembling body is permanently ingrained. I couldn’t have lived without you then and I sure as hell can’t start. You were the one who carried all my ache…but you no longer want my heart.
I’ve heard quite a few songs about the thrill of a first kiss-nothing compares to the feeling of new lips. But I’m still stuck watching you walk away with the last kiss you ever gave.
Chaste and quick, not near enough. I’d give more, but you won’t. I selfishly need you back again although I know you don’t. The fact that it was all my fault only makes it Hell. I replay all my skittish, unfair words and wish I could kill myself.
I’ve heard quite a few songs about the thrill of a first kiss-nothing compares to the feeling of new lips. But I’m still stuck watching you walk away with the last kiss you ever gave.
I’ve heard quite a few songs about the thrill of a first kiss-nothing compares to the feeling of new lips. But I’m still stuck watching you walk away with the last kiss you ever gave.
Chaste and quick, not near enough. I’d give more, but you won’t. I selfishly need you back again although I know you don’t. The fact that it was all my fault only makes it Hell. I replay all my skittish, unfair words and wish I could kill myself.
I’ve heard quite a few songs about the thrill of a first kiss-nothing compares to the feeling of new lips. But I’m still stuck watching you walk away with the last kiss you ever gave.
Social Suicide (June 4, 2011)
Quietly I try to cover up my footsteps, scuffing up their shape in the dust.
Too late, you already saw me coming and you heard exactly what I said.
Soon you find the ravings of a madman. Flecked with blood and old inkstains.
I crush myself under my own thumb, but you already know
And now I’m going to lose you.
Stifle me, don’t let me breathe, it’s better to not let me speak.
You hate me, I think I see.
You meant the world to me.
Don’t come back, all I’ll do is hurt you. I’ll scream out saying it was all you.
You and I both know I’m a ghoul, I’ll haunt you if you don’t go.
Fingers can scratch as easily as entwine, it’s nothing personal-you were the best thing.
It was impossible to love me, don’t worry, I already know.
I hate that I’m going to lose you.
Stifle me, don’t let me breathe, it’s better to not let me speak.
You hate me, I think I see.
You meant the world to me
Too late, you already saw me coming and you heard exactly what I said.
Soon you find the ravings of a madman. Flecked with blood and old inkstains.
I crush myself under my own thumb, but you already know
And now I’m going to lose you.
Stifle me, don’t let me breathe, it’s better to not let me speak.
You hate me, I think I see.
You meant the world to me.
Don’t come back, all I’ll do is hurt you. I’ll scream out saying it was all you.
You and I both know I’m a ghoul, I’ll haunt you if you don’t go.
Fingers can scratch as easily as entwine, it’s nothing personal-you were the best thing.
It was impossible to love me, don’t worry, I already know.
I hate that I’m going to lose you.
Stifle me, don’t let me breathe, it’s better to not let me speak.
You hate me, I think I see.
You meant the world to me
Dancing (May 22, 2011)
“There’s been an accident,” the policeman says as you push through the door to take a look at it, and it’s grisly and gory like a B movie and you know the driver’s face.
It’s the letdown after the supposed end when no one has died and the lights come in, and you’re on the floor cause you can’t get up. It’s hell. It’s hell. It’s hell.
You can’t tell a soul what you see in your head. Or bring on the chaos, bring on the chaos. You can’t tell a soul what you see in your head. Just scream, scream, scream.
So you dance in the dark like you know the beat and the dust starts to scatter underneath your feet. And it’s bones on the floor but no one seems to care. They don’t notice you leave.
A boy grabs your hand and asks if you’re okay. You’ve got blood in your mouth all choked back to say that you’re perfectly fine, and he says you lie. You stand right up and go.
You can’t tell a soul what you see in your head, erratic and crazy, erratic and crazy. You can’t tell a soul what you see in your head. You can’t ever, ever speak.
It’s the letdown after the supposed end when no one has died and the lights come in, and you’re on the floor cause you can’t get up. It’s hell. It’s hell. It’s hell.
You can’t tell a soul what you see in your head. Or bring on the chaos, bring on the chaos. You can’t tell a soul what you see in your head. Just scream, scream, scream.
So you dance in the dark like you know the beat and the dust starts to scatter underneath your feet. And it’s bones on the floor but no one seems to care. They don’t notice you leave.
A boy grabs your hand and asks if you’re okay. You’ve got blood in your mouth all choked back to say that you’re perfectly fine, and he says you lie. You stand right up and go.
You can’t tell a soul what you see in your head, erratic and crazy, erratic and crazy. You can’t tell a soul what you see in your head. You can’t ever, ever speak.
Vampires (May 17, 2011)
Without a warning we all screamed and felt a wall around us. We thrashed and smashed into it until the wall on our instincts crumbled into dust like bones. And it was beautiful, how it died, and we craved the destruction…the passion and the pain, and the sanity hovered above us as we howled and sank our teeth into the skin of our enemies. Then I cried out, finding bites in my neck, my mouth tasting sharp blood. I shook, and as it ended (the ritual, the initiation,the bloodlust, the animalistic fear) my pulse faded with the yelling.
And it echoed, still echoes…
ONE DAY THIS SUN IS GONNA DIE.
And it echoed, still echoes…
ONE DAY THIS SUN IS GONNA DIE.
Timberwolves At North Carolina (May 16, 2011)
Hey there c’mon the lights are now fading
Hours outside and I have been waiting
When are the guys gonna come and blow my mind?
It feels like I have been here forever
Hey now I know his words are so clever
This is more than worth the sunburned neck.
Hey it’s okay I’m starting to feel it
Adam on mic and John in the mosh pit
Think it’s gonna be a hell of a night.
Songs about anger prove to be rousing
“This one’s for all the kids in the back now”
It’ll take time for all the bruises to fade away.
Hey man it’s like you wrote out my story
All of my friends wanna share in the glory
I think that your songs can really read my mind.
Hold c’mon you are an enchanter
Guess that it means I’ll never be wanted
Your words are more like needles than any knives
Hours outside and I have been waiting
When are the guys gonna come and blow my mind?
It feels like I have been here forever
Hey now I know his words are so clever
This is more than worth the sunburned neck.
Hey it’s okay I’m starting to feel it
Adam on mic and John in the mosh pit
Think it’s gonna be a hell of a night.
Songs about anger prove to be rousing
“This one’s for all the kids in the back now”
It’ll take time for all the bruises to fade away.
Hey man it’s like you wrote out my story
All of my friends wanna share in the glory
I think that your songs can really read my mind.
Hold c’mon you are an enchanter
Guess that it means I’ll never be wanted
Your words are more like needles than any knives
-(Inspired by Taking Back Sunday's Timberwolves At New Jeresy. A line from that song also serves as the blog title.)
Origami (May 8, 2011)
Could you make something out of me you wouldn’t next destroy? Am I a gallery project or a stupid children’s toy? Whatever did you do to me to pin my feet back down? If I could I’d run away but I’m stapled to the ground.
The only way you seem to love is like ripping origami. All the care and time is used to tear it all apart. Fold me like a paper crane and scissor off the wings you claim. Confetti on the floor is all that’s left of me, the origami.
Oh love, my very skin is crawling off my shaking frame. I don’t know why you smile at this sick and sorry name. The words that tumble off my lips are falling off the page. Set me free, I swear I’ll never leave your paper cage.
The only way you seem to love is like ripping origami. All the care and time is used to tear it all apart. Fold me like a paper crane and scissor off the wings you claim. Confetti on the floor is all that’s left of me, the origami.
Crease my eyes, till they see through you. Make me cry, the paper tears will follow you. Crease my eyes, till they see through, till I disintegrate.
The only way you seem to love is like ripping origami. All the care and time is used to tear it all apart. Fold me like a paper crane and scissor off the wings you claim. Confetti on the floor is all that’s left of me, the origami.
Oh love, my very skin is crawling off my shaking frame. I don’t know why you smile at this sick and sorry name. The words that tumble off my lips are falling off the page. Set me free, I swear I’ll never leave your paper cage.
The only way you seem to love is like ripping origami. All the care and time is used to tear it all apart. Fold me like a paper crane and scissor off the wings you claim. Confetti on the floor is all that’s left of me, the origami.
Crease my eyes, till they see through you. Make me cry, the paper tears will follow you. Crease my eyes, till they see through, till I disintegrate.
Untitled (May 4, 2011)
So much for the fairy-tale I didn’t think I’d reach
I’ve lost my voice so I can’t tell you what it means to me
You took me at my worst but I don’t think I can do the same
because my worst and yours are entirely different things
I tear myself to pieces and you tear me apart
I need to get away before you take my heart
I’m hoping for an epiphany
The kind only they can give me
I swear I’ve never looked at another
Never regretted you as a lover
But nothing, nothing, NOTHING compares
To the way you kill without a care.
I’ve lost my voice so I can’t tell you what it means to me
You took me at my worst but I don’t think I can do the same
because my worst and yours are entirely different things
I tear myself to pieces and you tear me apart
I need to get away before you take my heart
I’m hoping for an epiphany
The kind only they can give me
I swear I’ve never looked at another
Never regretted you as a lover
But nothing, nothing, NOTHING compares
To the way you kill without a care.
First Amendment (April 27, 2011)
My soul falls in pieces
I can’t hear the telephone
Don’t try talking to me
Unless you bring news from home
I think it’s been a couple days
Might’ve been a week
Someone could carry me away
As we march in time
And someone dares to fall out of line
They’ll just step back through
Once it’s new who would know what to do?
In a crowd of clouds
Everyone is taught to be loud
“Make your voice so heard
That no one can decipher your words.”
“How the world can speak
With a verse that’s written too weak
Is it just a ruse?
To disguise that you’re all confused.”
And they all march by
All taught to always ask why
To keep the guns held tight
Every hello is a fight
Every heart’s a fire
Against all the suits that conspire
And no one will know
It was we who let the cannons go
What the phrase now means
You must never accept anything
You must always fight
Because only you can be right
My body lies in pieces
I can’t hear the telephone
Don’t tell me a thing
I don’t want to go back home
I can’t hear the telephone
Don’t try talking to me
Unless you bring news from home
I think it’s been a couple days
Might’ve been a week
Someone could carry me away
As we march in time
And someone dares to fall out of line
They’ll just step back through
Once it’s new who would know what to do?
In a crowd of clouds
Everyone is taught to be loud
“Make your voice so heard
That no one can decipher your words.”
“How the world can speak
With a verse that’s written too weak
Is it just a ruse?
To disguise that you’re all confused.”
And they all march by
All taught to always ask why
To keep the guns held tight
Every hello is a fight
Every heart’s a fire
Against all the suits that conspire
And no one will know
It was we who let the cannons go
What the phrase now means
You must never accept anything
You must always fight
Because only you can be right
My body lies in pieces
I can’t hear the telephone
Don’t tell me a thing
I don’t want to go back home
Voodoized (March 10, 2011)
Hello, I’m an angel.
At least I was before I met you.
I don’t know when everything changed.
Hey there, I’m still sober.
Clean cut and headed right out the door.
What if someone took that from me?
“But if you call, I’ll come to you.”
Why’s that my song?
I shouldn’t feel like I am wrong
For wanting to keep my blood flowing clear
Cut down my arm.
I’d pump it through with rot for you.
And that’s the only reason I’m still here
“But if you call, I’ll come to you.”
-(Heavily inspired by the Empires song Voodoized.)
Asheville, NC (January 8, 2011)
You are the rejects of the missionary world.
Sunburnt and stained into stardom and song,
Sewed to a pulpit with jewelary thread
and thrown to a a world where you don’t belong.
Picture yourself in a street in the city,
Covered in makeup and dusted in snow.
Taking an image of fiction and ladies.
Stopping in places that no one would know.
Keeping alive all the courtship and sorrow.
Dark in a thing that we used to call love.
Caged while you swallow the dreams left unrisen.
Ending up cold where you fit like a glove.
Archways like daggers all over the city
Cut to the core of wherever you are
Holding your breath while the current gets stronger.
Hearts like explosives cause damage to her.
Sunburnt and stained into stardom and song,
Sewed to a pulpit with jewelary thread
and thrown to a a world where you don’t belong.
Picture yourself in a street in the city,
Covered in makeup and dusted in snow.
Taking an image of fiction and ladies.
Stopping in places that no one would know.
Keeping alive all the courtship and sorrow.
Dark in a thing that we used to call love.
Caged while you swallow the dreams left unrisen.
Ending up cold where you fit like a glove.
Archways like daggers all over the city
Cut to the core of wherever you are
Holding your breath while the current gets stronger.
Hearts like explosives cause damage to her.
Colorblind (December 29, 2010)
Red is the color of fire and hate. Red is the color of blood.
Red is the color of Hell and anger, and still red is the color of love.
Orange isn’t passion; orange is a tiger. Orange is the color of flame.
Orange is spooky contrasted with summer. Orange is slightly more tame.
Yellow is bright like the overhead sun, lemon-y, sugar,y sweet.
Yellow is warm, summertime, and fun without being burned by the heat.
Green is so new, so soft, like forests and nature so heavenly.
Green is all that grows and breathes, yet green is the colour of envy.
Blue is the calm ocean by day. Blue is a cool-headed lover.
Blue is the icy shade of your eyes. Blue is a starry night cover.
Purple is decadent, passionate, dark. Purple is royal delight
Purple is getting closer to black. Purple will flinch in the light.
-
So then what am I? I am gray. Too many shades to count.
I am gray, I am smoky, and the rainbow exists without.
Red is the color of Hell and anger, and still red is the color of love.
Orange isn’t passion; orange is a tiger. Orange is the color of flame.
Orange is spooky contrasted with summer. Orange is slightly more tame.
Yellow is bright like the overhead sun, lemon-y, sugar,y sweet.
Yellow is warm, summertime, and fun without being burned by the heat.
Green is so new, so soft, like forests and nature so heavenly.
Green is all that grows and breathes, yet green is the colour of envy.
Blue is the calm ocean by day. Blue is a cool-headed lover.
Blue is the icy shade of your eyes. Blue is a starry night cover.
Purple is decadent, passionate, dark. Purple is royal delight
Purple is getting closer to black. Purple will flinch in the light.
-
So then what am I? I am gray. Too many shades to count.
I am gray, I am smoky, and the rainbow exists without.
Attack (December 13, 2010)
Please tell me it’s over.
Tell me you don’t care what they say.
Shower me with saccarine words straight from your movie screen.
Pretend that you love me.
Claim that you always think of me.
Explain why you never seem to fight for what I say.
Why aren’t I firm in lines I set?
Curving my words to second best,
taking heart from things that I can barely hear.
I lay awake far past midnight,
in the panic state of fight.
Even though I thought I left that far away
though you think I’m okay.
Pull out your dagger.
Cut through the ropes I tied in knots
Slice through skin I used to shield potential cures for this.
Scream for tomorrow.
Scream like you cannot hear your voice.
Scream like me when I based myself on perfect bites.
Can I abandon pain for sun?
If I could replay all that you’ve done.
Smear the dirt from where I’m from all on my face.
Sit at my feet you spit and curse.
Keep me from getting any worse.
Because your love will never change the fact
it’s too late for a new attack.
Tell me you don’t care what they say.
Shower me with saccarine words straight from your movie screen.
Pretend that you love me.
Claim that you always think of me.
Explain why you never seem to fight for what I say.
Why aren’t I firm in lines I set?
Curving my words to second best,
taking heart from things that I can barely hear.
I lay awake far past midnight,
in the panic state of fight.
Even though I thought I left that far away
though you think I’m okay.
Pull out your dagger.
Cut through the ropes I tied in knots
Slice through skin I used to shield potential cures for this.
Scream for tomorrow.
Scream like you cannot hear your voice.
Scream like me when I based myself on perfect bites.
Can I abandon pain for sun?
If I could replay all that you’ve done.
Smear the dirt from where I’m from all on my face.
Sit at my feet you spit and curse.
Keep me from getting any worse.
Because your love will never change the fact
it’s too late for a new attack.
Either Way, I'm Sorry (December, 2010)
Do you remember the first time?
the first time you stayed alone
the first time you felt a snap
your first experience out of home
Or do you even recall the last?
the last time you felt okay?
when you felt the eath’s pull
the last time you felt the same?
I haven’t been myself as of late
I’ve been slashing tires of friends
and finding crimes to take
I want to create a new expression
and not repeat an old cliche
I’m not in doubt of you loving me
but yet I am so afraid
So calm down coldly, I’m hot enough
give me none of your forgiveness
you can’t forgive this fuckup
of a girl, of a kid, of your old lover
of a child who used to see so clear
of a girl who desperately needs a hero
of a girl who wants to disappear.
the first time you stayed alone
the first time you felt a snap
your first experience out of home
Or do you even recall the last?
the last time you felt okay?
when you felt the eath’s pull
the last time you felt the same?
I haven’t been myself as of late
I’ve been slashing tires of friends
and finding crimes to take
I want to create a new expression
and not repeat an old cliche
I’m not in doubt of you loving me
but yet I am so afraid
So calm down coldly, I’m hot enough
give me none of your forgiveness
you can’t forgive this fuckup
of a girl, of a kid, of your old lover
of a child who used to see so clear
of a girl who desperately needs a hero
of a girl who wants to disappear.
Untitled (December 1, 2010)
Life is not too quickly gone.
Sometime it feels like too drawn on.
But every time I feel that way
the time all seems to slip away.
In time I will forget your room
your hair across your pillow strewn.
Evening light looked golden red
while your hands scraped out my head.
It’s not like I place all the blame
on you or your psychotic game.
The blame should partly be on me
for making sure you were happy.
Sometime it feels like too drawn on.
But every time I feel that way
the time all seems to slip away.
In time I will forget your room
your hair across your pillow strewn.
Evening light looked golden red
while your hands scraped out my head.
It’s not like I place all the blame
on you or your psychotic game.
The blame should partly be on me
for making sure you were happy.
"she was a hurricane" (November 10, 2010)
Raging wind loud enough to scare heaven
a lover and a vulture fighting for control
of this deadly hurricane, this dying girl
the lover makes her stop and think
the vulture tells her to go go go go
before someone appeals to reason
brushing dust off her heart the lover spoke
and the vulture swatted the hand away.
-
So the girl’s heart turned into a storm
too quickly for the lover to seize her
the vulture laughed derisively and applauded
as she screamed and tried to lambaste
everything good she had worked for
her mordant words killing beauty.
-
An eye in this storm came eventually
after she willingly murdered love
the wounded lover came to her again
“Let me help you fight the vulture
let me help you calm your rain.”
the girl cried tears of nostalgia
and embraced the lover sadly saying
“I will always be a hurricane”
-
The bird still sits firmly immobile
upon her right shoulder muttering low
she burns an effigy memorializing herself
but the drops put it out every time
the lover restrains her hands of glass
becoming the welcome hold on her sanity.
-
The girl is still in her lover’s hands
the lover remains to chain the seas
protecting not only her and her beauty
but everyone she loves too strongly
so the hurricane’s eye is still at peace
as she slowly loses her spirit
her body dries to sand on the beach
and the lover says “forever”
-
The hurricane will return soon
in all it’s horrible strength
breaking the lover cruelly away
as she sobs rivers of remorse
and the vulture will laugh suddenly
draining away her will for peace
a lover and a vulture fighting for control
of this deadly hurricane, this dying girl
the lover makes her stop and think
the vulture tells her to go go go go
before someone appeals to reason
brushing dust off her heart the lover spoke
and the vulture swatted the hand away.
-
So the girl’s heart turned into a storm
too quickly for the lover to seize her
the vulture laughed derisively and applauded
as she screamed and tried to lambaste
everything good she had worked for
her mordant words killing beauty.
-
An eye in this storm came eventually
after she willingly murdered love
the wounded lover came to her again
“Let me help you fight the vulture
let me help you calm your rain.”
the girl cried tears of nostalgia
and embraced the lover sadly saying
“I will always be a hurricane”
-
The bird still sits firmly immobile
upon her right shoulder muttering low
she burns an effigy memorializing herself
but the drops put it out every time
the lover restrains her hands of glass
becoming the welcome hold on her sanity.
-
The girl is still in her lover’s hands
the lover remains to chain the seas
protecting not only her and her beauty
but everyone she loves too strongly
so the hurricane’s eye is still at peace
as she slowly loses her spirit
her body dries to sand on the beach
and the lover says “forever”
-
The hurricane will return soon
in all it’s horrible strength
breaking the lover cruelly away
as she sobs rivers of remorse
and the vulture will laugh suddenly
draining away her will for peace
Sonnet One (October 19, 2010)
Spare a look, drop your mask of forgetfulness
You can’t ignore me forever, but you will try
Hear all the arguments and points you’ll press
But you don’t say a word as I stutter by
I have means of warping visions while you write
But I’ve grown out of using them to my ends
Your cuts I kept bandaged, I still know your type
I’ve kept all your secrets despite my common sense
YOU are the reason I turned out a hurricane
YOU are the reason for every lasting vulture
YOU are the reason bile drips from my brain
YOU are the reason blood rushes much colder
In a dead end maze, with locks on the corridors
I’m losing my poise and a grip on the horrors.
You can’t ignore me forever, but you will try
Hear all the arguments and points you’ll press
But you don’t say a word as I stutter by
I have means of warping visions while you write
But I’ve grown out of using them to my ends
Your cuts I kept bandaged, I still know your type
I’ve kept all your secrets despite my common sense
YOU are the reason I turned out a hurricane
YOU are the reason for every lasting vulture
YOU are the reason bile drips from my brain
YOU are the reason blood rushes much colder
In a dead end maze, with locks on the corridors
I’m losing my poise and a grip on the horrors.
Untitled (July 31, 2010)
If only I’d known when I woke up at five
I bought black coffee
and I got in line
If only I’d known when I’d fallen twice
twisted my ankle
got lost on the ice
If I’d only known who I would be seeing
who I was hearing
what I’d be believing
If I had known what they’d grow to be
or what she was
what it all meant to me
If I could’ve known how I would learn
would I stay home
or would I burn
If I’d only known that they’d save my lfie
light all my fires
teach me to write
If you had said I’d change my mind
break another heart
draw another line
I think I would have gone anyway.
Glitter (June 5, 2010)
I’ve got glitter all over my arm
Lights in my eyes and shiny dancing stars
Angels stargazing on a cloudy night
Color-coded clothes and a diamond studded bite
Spinning circles around a new friend
Made up like a movie where you leave before the end
There’s an angel laughing up at me
Blinded by the silence I fall back to my knees
Cause I have learned to notice every word
And not to trust until I’ve tried
Nothing’s real, no neon lights
And I’ll never lose my fight
I’ve got a peace sign tattooed on my wrist
Music in the background with flats and minor fifths
Monsters are smiling no one cries in fear
I’m a happy loser, how did I end up here?
I’ve got an angel catching my eye
Maybe if I’m lucky he will teach me to fly
His wings with glitter taste so sweet
Wonder in the real world if we would ever meet
Cause I have learned to notice every word
And not to trust until I’ve tried
Nothing’s real, no neon lights
And I’ll never lose my fight
I’ve got my angel and tattoos I’ll regret
Glitter on my face and lipstick on his neck
It’s already fading, bruises still remain
Not sure what I lost but I know I didn’t gain.
Cause I have learned to notice every word
And not to trust until I’ve tried
Nothing’s real, no neon lights
I want to remember tonight
Lights in my eyes and shiny dancing stars
Angels stargazing on a cloudy night
Color-coded clothes and a diamond studded bite
Spinning circles around a new friend
Made up like a movie where you leave before the end
There’s an angel laughing up at me
Blinded by the silence I fall back to my knees
Cause I have learned to notice every word
And not to trust until I’ve tried
Nothing’s real, no neon lights
And I’ll never lose my fight
I’ve got a peace sign tattooed on my wrist
Music in the background with flats and minor fifths
Monsters are smiling no one cries in fear
I’m a happy loser, how did I end up here?
I’ve got an angel catching my eye
Maybe if I’m lucky he will teach me to fly
His wings with glitter taste so sweet
Wonder in the real world if we would ever meet
Cause I have learned to notice every word
And not to trust until I’ve tried
Nothing’s real, no neon lights
And I’ll never lose my fight
I’ve got my angel and tattoos I’ll regret
Glitter on my face and lipstick on his neck
It’s already fading, bruises still remain
Not sure what I lost but I know I didn’t gain.
Cause I have learned to notice every word
And not to trust until I’ve tried
Nothing’s real, no neon lights
I want to remember tonight
Miss Me (May 25, 2010)
I’ll never put a gun against your head.
I’ll never shove your words back down again.
I’ll let you lie to me, lie right through your teeth.
It started when I let you call my name
After that it seemed like you would claim
My heart and soul as yours, that and nothing more.
So I think my heart had been destroyed.
Taunting through your static noise.
So now when I look back I want to cry.
I fell from the start
Made sure to make my mark.
Left you lying facedown in the dark.
I’m falling for the hurricanes you call your favorite part of me.
You’ve never been a wreck.
Yet never been the best.
I think I’m the only one who’s left.
And still I see you hanging here thinking I’m the one who died.
I guess you’ll always miss my life.
Remembering the spirit lost to you
The panic and the things I used to do
To try to keep my mind, it’s such a waste of time.
For you I would’ve painted my eyes black
I would’ve hated everything I lack
I’m trying not to scream, the hold you had on me...
But I think I made it through alive.
No razor blades, no bloody knives.
And now all of my life I’ve never found.
I fell from the start
Made sure to make my mark.
Left you lying facedown in the dark.
I’m falling for the hurricanes you call your favorite part of me.
You’ve never been a wreck.
Yet never been the best.
I think I’m the only one who’s left.
And still I see you hanging here thinking I’m the one who died.
I guess you’ll always miss my life.
You said you weren’t attached to me.
I’m not blind, darling, I could see.
Still you wonder why I left that day.
I fell from the start
Made sure to make my mark.
Left you lying facedown in the dark.
I’m falling for the hurricanes you call your favorite part of me.
You’ve never been a wreck.
Yet never been the best.
I think I’m the only one who’s left.
And still I see you hanging here thinking I’m the one who died.
Still you’re hating everyone
Believing they enjoyed the fight.
Girl just stay with older friends.
I never cared about that night.
I guess you’ll always miss my life.
I’ll never shove your words back down again.
I’ll let you lie to me, lie right through your teeth.
It started when I let you call my name
After that it seemed like you would claim
My heart and soul as yours, that and nothing more.
So I think my heart had been destroyed.
Taunting through your static noise.
So now when I look back I want to cry.
I fell from the start
Made sure to make my mark.
Left you lying facedown in the dark.
I’m falling for the hurricanes you call your favorite part of me.
You’ve never been a wreck.
Yet never been the best.
I think I’m the only one who’s left.
And still I see you hanging here thinking I’m the one who died.
I guess you’ll always miss my life.
Remembering the spirit lost to you
The panic and the things I used to do
To try to keep my mind, it’s such a waste of time.
For you I would’ve painted my eyes black
I would’ve hated everything I lack
I’m trying not to scream, the hold you had on me...
But I think I made it through alive.
No razor blades, no bloody knives.
And now all of my life I’ve never found.
I fell from the start
Made sure to make my mark.
Left you lying facedown in the dark.
I’m falling for the hurricanes you call your favorite part of me.
You’ve never been a wreck.
Yet never been the best.
I think I’m the only one who’s left.
And still I see you hanging here thinking I’m the one who died.
I guess you’ll always miss my life.
You said you weren’t attached to me.
I’m not blind, darling, I could see.
Still you wonder why I left that day.
I fell from the start
Made sure to make my mark.
Left you lying facedown in the dark.
I’m falling for the hurricanes you call your favorite part of me.
You’ve never been a wreck.
Yet never been the best.
I think I’m the only one who’s left.
And still I see you hanging here thinking I’m the one who died.
Still you’re hating everyone
Believing they enjoyed the fight.
Girl just stay with older friends.
I never cared about that night.
I guess you’ll always miss my life.
Your Effect (date unknown, written sometime in 2009)
Is there a place I haven’t been? I know that I’ve been through hell. So I want to find it again.
You’re like an angel, knocked out cold. I know you could never love me. Or at least that’s what I’m told…
I’m hooked on your effect. It doesn’t matter what they say to me because I know what’s in my head and I
think I’m hooked on the way you breathe. Too soon I’ll be a jaded lover. Searching for the child I used to be.
Is there something I don’t see? Point me in the right direction. Point me to that place I need.
Angel help me, I’ve been hurt. Lift me up or let me follow. Just don’t leave me in the dirt.
I’m hooked on your effect. It doesn’t matter what they say to me because I know what’s in my head and I think I’m hooked on everything. That you say when we’re late and lonely. I’m looking for what you claim to see.
You’re like an angel, knocked out cold. I know you could never love me. Or at least that’s what I’m told…
I’m hooked on your effect. It doesn’t matter what they say to me because I know what’s in my head and I
think I’m hooked on the way you breathe. Too soon I’ll be a jaded lover. Searching for the child I used to be.
Is there something I don’t see? Point me in the right direction. Point me to that place I need.
Angel help me, I’ve been hurt. Lift me up or let me follow. Just don’t leave me in the dirt.
I’m hooked on your effect. It doesn’t matter what they say to me because I know what’s in my head and I think I’m hooked on everything. That you say when we’re late and lonely. I’m looking for what you claim to see.
Days (March 8, 2010)
Lazy days.
Kiss on a park bench, laugh on a swing. Pull my hair back, you play with my rings.
Warm days.
Sun on my shoulders, light in your eyes. Jump off the front steps, bet we can fly.
Quiet days.
Teasing and tickling, head on your chest. Hand held and all shared, that suits us best.
New days.
Trials and triumph, we made it through. You say I’m perfect-just perfect for you.
Our days.
You make me happy, I make you smile. We share a secret, stay for a while.
Kiss on a park bench, laugh on a swing. Pull my hair back, you play with my rings.
Warm days.
Sun on my shoulders, light in your eyes. Jump off the front steps, bet we can fly.
Quiet days.
Teasing and tickling, head on your chest. Hand held and all shared, that suits us best.
New days.
Trials and triumph, we made it through. You say I’m perfect-just perfect for you.
Our days.
You make me happy, I make you smile. We share a secret, stay for a while.
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